3x+1
December 13, 2015
It's the 27th anniversary of my mom's death.
When you live with grief for a long time you know you're going to feel all kinds of ways about your loss depending on the season or the day--sadness, acceptance, the sensation of being punched repeatedly in the solar plexus--and sometimes, for long stretches, not very much at all.
This year I mostly feel angry. I'm 40 this year, the same age my mom was when she died. That's preposterous, that this--this spot where I am now, where I have some things to look back on, and things still to look forward to, and things to regret forever and things I still have time to fix--this was all she got, and the last few years of that so frightening and full of pain to boot.
It's appalling. I'm so pissed. I've felt like kicking something all week, but there's nothing to kick.
So what can I do? Have lunch with my sister, walk the dogs, pull some weeds, pick out Christmas presents for people I love, cook dinner for Eric, text with my friends and family. Write an inadequate blog post. Drink wine, cry a little. God damn it.
I'm so sorry. So young, and so unfair.
I lost my dad just before Thanksgiving, and while it's different because he lived a long life, it's just always too soon.
I'm having a glass of wine with you.
Posted by: Tonya | December 14, 2015 at 01:10 AM
Here's to your mom. You may or may not want to see the Good Dinosaur which fulfills its Disney destiny by being all about losing parents. I cried more than I expected to at the movies yesterday.
Posted by: Nimble | December 14, 2015 at 11:43 AM
Joolie. This past April was the 22nd anniversary of my mom's death, and it tilted the balance: I've now lived longer without my mom than with her.
Grief is a bitch and sometimes it just slaps you in the face.
You know I commiserate with you and share your anger. It's not fucking fair. All moms should live to see their children grow up and become adults and beyond.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say at this point. I just...get it. I get it. Much love to you.
Posted by: Alison | December 14, 2015 at 10:51 PM
Thanks, guys. This kicks my ass every year for sure.
Posted by: Joolie | December 16, 2015 at 04:06 PM
God damn it!
Posted by: Kizz | May 31, 2016 at 11:19 AM